Birth Tweets

Adi's was wearing an ironic hat before she was even an hour old. Effing hipsters...

Adi’s was wearing an ironic hat before she was even an hour old. Effing hipsters…

Anyone can write a birth story, but only I (as far as I know) can live-tweet her own frggin labor play by play. Relive the magic of my labor and Adi’s birth by reading my birth tweets! Tweeting my labor/delivery was hard at times but it’s probably the most awesome thing I’ve ever done (you know, besides actually squeezing another life out of my vageen and into this world).

A little back story first: My labor was induced because Adi was two weeks late.

All of the tweets were physically typed by me. All of the photos with me in them were taken by my amazing babydaddy Mr Levin. In true twitter style -also because I’m format lazy- scroll down to the bottom for the oldest tweet and scroll up to read everything in the order it happened):

  • Photo: Happy Birthday Adiella Figueroa-Levin, 8lbs 8oz little girl.http://tumblr.com/xa7oycc01 7 Nov
  • Photo: I just had a friggin baby. http://tumblr.com/xa7oy7na2 7 Nov
  • Pushing has begun 7 Nov
  • They gave me a catheter- cuz I kept peeing on everybody 7 Nov
  • 100% effaced. 8cm dilated. 0 station. GIT-R-DONE!!!! #foetusjoinus 7 Nov
  • Peeing on people is oddly satisfying- this must be how Cecil feels. Also: OW 7 Nov
  • Dood I’m a lil high on oxygen I think. It’s all like air and cool and wheeeeeeeee 7 Nov
  • On the baby monitor- everything is peachy and vitals are good. Contractions are lame. The machine keeps beeping 7 Nov
  • Ice Chips- yum 7 Nov
  • Still having contractions- now I’m on some oxygen- and I peed on Mr Levin FTW 7 Nov
  • 5 centimeters dilation 80% effaced -1 Station 7 Nov
  • And my water broke 7 Nov
  • Holy Frijole OWWW! My nurse is fanfuckingtastic BTW 7 Nov
  • Dood I got this shit DOWN 7 Nov
  • Midwife says I’m doing awesome 7 Nov
  • My musician breathing is coming in handy. I got this breath control shit down. Pitocin ain’t got nothing on a soprano muthafucka! 7 Nov
  • I’m sitting on my birthy ball 7 Nov
  • So far I’m doing pretty good. My contractions are good- they hurt like a bitch but whatever  7 Nov
  • The machine is going “DING” 7 Nov
  • Imma kick this contraction’s fucking ass 7 Nov
  • Pitocin’s a bitch. But I’m a bigger bitch! 7 Nov
  • Midwife shift change! 7 Nov
  • Meh 7 Nov
  • Photo: The next few hours of tweets will be brought to you by Pitocin. Pitocin: You Did This To Me You Dirty…http://tumblr.com/xa7owg7qb 7 Nov
  • Croissant, hard boiled egg, and apple juice a la hospital cafeteria: Breakfast of Champions! 7 Nov
  • Doula is back! With snacks! 7 Nov
  • @TempestBeauty I already got 3 extra hours and I told them not to until Doula gets back with snacks. 7 Nov
  • So it looks like I’m gonna get pitocin #lame 7 Nov
  • Midwife says I can eat (and that I better eat before I get pitocin cuz after that no more food) I sent the Doula down for some snacks 7 Nov
  • Ow! 7 Nov
  • I wish I’d give birth already so I could fucking eat! 7 Nov
  • I have a jacuzzi in my room. It was nice 7 Nov
  • Time to take a bath! 7 Nov
  • Back on the monitor for a bit 7 Nov
  • Photo: Antibiotics so Foetus doesn’t get any of my shady diseases 0_o http://tumblr.com/xa7ovvkmy 7 Nov
  • Nurse is getting the antibiotics so I don’t give foetus my GBS+ 7 Nov
  • Doula is coming back to the hospital 7 Nov
  • OW!!! 7 Nov
  • Cervidil was taken out- I’m 4cm dilated. Contractions fucking hurt. Took a shower that was nice. If the labor stays good I can avoid pitocin 7 Nov
  • Happy 4:20 y’all 7 Nov
  • Photo: Contraction Distraction: a picture of my eldest child: Cecilhttp://tumblr.com/xa7ovpmd9 7 Nov
  • *shakes fist* YOU DID THIS TO ME @miklevin!!!!! OW! 7 Nov
  • Update: back on the monitor. Also: OW!!!! 7 Nov
  • Ow-not as bad as the last ow- but still ow 7 Nov
  • Ow!! 7 Nov
  • I’m doing pretty ok. I’ve got this pain shit under control 7 Nov
  • Also: ow 7 Nov
  • In other news: ow 7 Nov
  • @TempestBeauty just cervidil -midwife said she’d check me in a couple hours 7 Nov
  • Ow! 7 Nov
  • Ow 7 Nov
  • Also: contractions are starting to hurt more… Puts a damper on sleeping 7 Nov
  • Mazel Tov McScreamy! I hear baby crying next door 7 Nov
  • Of course as soon as I’m about to doze off the nurse comes in for another 20 minutes of fetal monitoring 7 Nov
  • McScreamy stopped screaming. Good Night! 7 Nov
  • McScreamy is being told to push! My nap is coming soon! 6 Nov
  • @MissT40 parents are coming after the baby is born 6 Nov
  • @TempestBeauty they’re getting gradually more painful- but I’m breathing through them just fine 6 Nov
  • contractions are 8ish minutes apart- they hurt, but apparently not as bad as my neighbor McScreamy 6 Nov
  • I’m running to pee in between contractions 6 Nov
  • Foetus decided to start breakdancing 6 Nov
  • I mean I know birth hurts and all and I don’t want to judge but jeezy creezy I need some sleep! 6 Nov
  • Can a dianetics guy from 42St come 2 the hospital & convert the screamer to Scientology so she can have one of them silent births? Kthxbye 6 Nov
  • I wish my neighbor was a Scientologist 6 Nov
  • Ok monitoring thing is off again. Now if only this screaming lady would give birth already so I can get some sleep 0_o 6 Nov
  • The chick next door is screaming 6 Nov
  • Time for another round of fetal monitoring 6 Nov
  • Argh! Fucking contraction messed up my shot! Stupid Pigs!#angrybirds 6 Nov
  • Imma play angry birds till I fall asleep or go into labor (whichever happens first) 6 Nov
  • Well this nap isn’t happening…. 6 Nov
  • Imma take a nap now-while I still can 6 Nov
  • Photo: Hanging up in my birthing room (printed out from the Chabad website) Do The Jew! http://tumblr.com/xa7otp0b8 6 Nov
  • Of course I’m wearing an assless hospital gown so it’s not like I’m going to be going anywhere… 6 Nov
  • The midwife says the baby is fine and I only need to be on the fetal monitor every 2 hours for only 20 minutes. So I can move around now 6 Nov
  • @CletusRayRay oooo Chinese new year! Are you making yummy new years food? 6 Nov
  • I’m totally having a contraction- like right now 6 Nov
  • Nurse let me off of the baby monitor so I could go pee. Which is good cuz I really needed to fucking pee 6 Nov
  • Doula is heading home for the night- she’ll come back if I go into active labor or tomorrow morning whichever comes first 6 Nov
  • Photo: There’s fireworks outside my window. Someone must have heard that the future galactic overlord of the…http://tumblr.com/xa7otex8j 6 Nov
  • Contraction. Hurts a bit-but not too bad-I got this shit down 6 Nov
  • Nurse just told me I’m having contractions. Really? This is it? I’ve had post Pesach constipation worse than this. 6 Nov
  • My cervix is 70% effaced and I’m 2-3 centimeters dilated. I’m not having any contractions yet. 6 Nov
  • The hospital tv doesn’t have Skinemax! #lame 6 Nov
  • I can’t eat- but the midwife says I can drink whatever I want! Bring on the vodka! 6 Nov
  • Photo: Baby’s heartrate? Earthquake? Yay squiggly lines!http://tumblr.com/xa7oszhn0 6 Nov
  • Baby’s vitals are all fine- I get cervidil until 6am and if I don’t go into labor by then they’ll give me pitocin 6 Nov
  • Midwife is examining me and then placing the cervidil (using the cervidildo) 6 Nov
  • Photo: Fo’ Shizzle Cervadizzle! This is the stuff they shove up your snatch to ripen the cervix and induce… http://tumblr.com/xa7osuqhq 6 Nov
  • Photo: My fancy shamcy arm blood thingyhttp://tumblr.com/xa7ostl41 6 Nov
  • Photo: It’s important to accessorize http://tumblr.com/xa7ossm6z 6 Nov
  • Photo: Fetal monitoring http://tumblr.com/xa7osquek 6 Nov
  • Photo: I brought cookies for the nurses http://tumblr.com/xa7osqfll 6 Nov
  • Photo: I’m checked into my Labor and Delivery room! Check out my sexy IV pole dance http://tumblr.com/xa7osofs8 6 Nov
  • Checking in at triage-paperwork is a fucking bitch GIT-R-DONE!#foetusjoinus 6 Nov
  • Going to the hospital!!! #foetusjoinus 6 Nov
  • At Davidoff in Columbus Circle so Mr Levin can pick up cigars for himself and Pa 6 Nov
  • @CletusRayRay Rum 6 Nov
  • Photo: Last Meal part 3: Steak Frites. Nomnomnomnomhttp://tumblr.com/xa7os9hcr 6 Nov
  • Photo: Last Meal part 2: Foie Gras (shut up PETA I love foie gras and imma eat it so fuck you) http://tumblr.com/xa7os984a 6 Nov
  • Photo: Last Meal Part 1: Half bottle of Riesling (I’m sharing it with Mr Levin) http://tumblr.com/xa7os8gl7 6 Nov
  • @mercychoir Yummy Thai is decent 6 Nov
  • Am I getting looks b/c I’m drinking a big ass glass of wine at the restaurant? Yes. Do I give a shit? No. #foetusjoinus 6 Nov
  • And we’re heading out… Now. When I get back to #Inwood I’ll have a freakin’ baby! #foetusjoinus 6 Nov
  • Eek! I forgot to pay the rent (which by the way is too damn high)! I’ve been distracted ::writing check:: 6 Nov
  • Feeding the animals, packing my bag, getting the car, grabbing the doula, & heading off for my “last meal” (Landmarc in Columbus Circle) 6 Nov
  • Billy cat is following me around purring 6 Nov
  • Just had my “bloody show”!!! (don’t worry that’s a good thing)#foetusjoinus 6 Nov
  • @Jims_Whim Cecil used to want to go to the vet too, until he got his first prostate exam… then not so much 6 Nov
  • Thinking about Deb & my #Inwood family over @ the dog run right now-I love y’all *hug* Go over to the run if you can & celebrate Deb’s life! 6 Nov
  • Overheard: Whaaaaaaaaat? – Someone Who Obviously Doesn’t Check Facebook/Twitter/Internet: I’m going to be in…http://tumblr.com/xa7or1bzs 6 Nov
  • I feel like I should make the bed with fresh sheets before I leave 6 Nov
  • “They” tell me I’m gonna dookie on the table during birth. Do I bring doggie poo bags or does the hosp have? Mine are scented#foetusjoinus 6 Nov
  • What to eat before I go in? Cuz once the drugs are in I can’t eat anymore. I’m thinking a big ass steak #foetusjoinus 6 Nov
  • @CovertCregan I’m not getting any drugs till the evening so tomorrow seems more likely. I’ll keep my legs crossed till midnight 🙂 6 Nov
  • @CovertCregan that’s actually pretty cool 6 Nov
  • R’ Steinsaltz has completed his commentary on the Talmud!http://www.jpost.com/Magazine/Features/Article.aspx?id=19399 6 Nov
  • Things aren’t just going to complain about themselves, that’s why I exist. 6 Nov
  • OMG I’m totally having a baby today 6 Nov